Then it felt like I needed to write something down. I was on my way to work this morning, thinking about what to write. I wanted to focus on a topic that’s not demeaning, insulting, and/or angry. Then it was all blank. It’s really easy to say things when your frustrated, mad, and simply red-faced furious. Words shower like rain on a summer day, reaching limits where you can’t take them back.

I had this convo with my mom last night before we went to bed, she asked me why we didn’t like this woman. (Yes, she is a woman, a mother to be exact. I can’t name her or put labels on her. I just feel like it’s inappropriate.) I said, I didn’t like her because of this, that, and other stuff. I came up with about 5 things I dislike about her. Then she said, “Yun lang, hindi mo ba alam, siya lang ang tumulong sa akin. Siya nga lang ang nakakita sa akin eh.”

So there I was silent, and of course, I answered back, “Yun lang? dahil lang tinulungan ka niya yun na yun?” And because mother’s are so awesome, she said “Yun nga e, a single deed casts out five bad traits. I just can’t see the point of hating her.”

Fine, maybe mom is just too kind. The type na “walang masamang tinapay” or maybe I just grew fond of being angry and hating on other people. Kung ano ang puno yun din ang bunga. Pero pano kung napeste ang bunga? Haha!

After that, I was too tired to think (we had a very hellish trip) about my mom being extra nice to people. But then again, when I remember, how she talks about others shock me. The thing about that is they are (I think) too afraid to say the things that might hurt other people. Point is, it’s somewhat being too cautious that you can’t say what’s going on inside your head. Too afraid that other people may judge you and your opinions.

“If you got nothing nice to say better shut your mouth.” True enough, truth hurts specially when you hear it from other people. (considering the tone of voice and character). Ang hirap lang maging mabait lagi.

My mom told me to write about my life. I told her, you know I blog, you know I write and keep a mushy journal under my pillow (which I don’t often write in that much recently). She said, “I know you do write and keep a blog and a journal. I’ve read it. It’s different from what you usually write. Write about your life, to inspire others.” I was like, cool my mom reads my sloppy blog entries of hate and more hate and regrets, but what is so inspiring about my life that I should write?

How can a 22- year old, 111 lbs girl (yes, I call myself girl as I lack in height, I am only 5’1’’) be inspiring to others. I never got high grades in college, I never joined and actively participate in any orgs back then. I never had citations nor awards. I was never best at anything and to top it all off, I’ve been making bad decisions after bad decisions from as far as I can remember. I have done nothing inspirational in my life.

As I’m writing this, I’m trying to squeeze my brain of any memory that would at the least uplift my self esteem and give my readers something inspiring to read. I always talk about MY life and how I am not contented with it, but in contrary, I actually am.

First, maybe I have to fully asses myself. (which I think I’ve done more than enough) I know what to improve, what to change and what to do. What I don’t know is, HOW to do it. I can’t start.

My mom and I would always argue, I told her that I am never wrong. I can’t be wrong and I won’t lose in an argument. I never accept defeat and she just sat silently as if not listening to me. Okay. I get it, that’s wrong. These things make me the person that I am today, I won’t change one bit. Maybe that’s why I always end up being the villain. I never stop when I want something. STFU your argument is invalid.

You see what I did? I can’t inspire other people by shaping my life in to something it’s not. I just can’t. maybe I can inspire others by them hating the way I think and react on things, inspire them not to think the way I think or act the way I act or not be me. I’ve done a lot of stupid things, things I regret doing and regret not doing. I hope you don’t end up like me. Not knowing what you want in life, you’ll end up having a lot of you don’t. true enough, I am that. I just learned how to live with it and make the most out of it.

Sometimes I wish I was the victim. Like everybody would be on my side.

for once i want to be the protagonist in the story, where people would give me sympathy and help me kill the evil witch. I wish there's a chance for me to be the damsel in distress, I'm getting tired to be saving myself all the time from situations. I know that I'm strong but sometimes I need to feel thati need to be saved.

I want to feel something else rather than hate, angst and more hate.

People seem to see as an angry person.

I make up stories that help me cope up with the things I can't fully understand and refuse to accept, and most times, I get lost in these make-believe stories. Believing that these ideas were true, not noticing the damage it has done to reality.

People would always make mean something to whatever I say. They think I’m always bad-mouthing someone (well, actually I do it often but not all the time!) and tend to say something against me. Conniving (wow, the way I put it sounds people are plotting against me, see, I’m going paranoid) and talking behind my back.

I felt scared these past few days. Afraid that maybe I’ve become delusional. I’ve constantly wanted to re-invent myself and transform into something better. I want to be somebody else. Someone stronger, someone who’s not afraid to voice out their feelings. For a straight-forward person, I feel that I am very much insecure.

I notice many things around me, and tend to ridicule and criticize them, reflecting me as a person. But not many people know that I’m simply stating the obvious, more of like elaborating the things that people overlook. Or maybe I’m doing it the wrong way.

I wanted to start over, be the person I hate most. Be nice, be humble. But that’s just not me. I am nice in my own unpretentious way, I am humble in most instances or maybe I just handle compliments very well. Haha!

If I’m not your cup of tea, then I won’t mind. It’s your loss not mine (see I just did it again!)

** from my assessment, I’m in desperate need of attention. Medical attention that is. I feel I need medication and counseling, saying this scares the shit out of me, what am I afraid of. Reality perhaps?

Google answered me, fear of reality/responsibility as not a fear of something like actual fear like arachnophobia but the denial of reality, hiding from it, the unwillingness to acknowledge certain aspects pertaining to reality. Maybe, maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.

I hate confrontations, I hate answering too many questions that lead to something bigger like the realization of what I’ve hidden behind fake smiles and make-believe stories. I hate it when people try to figure me out, I’m too difficult I hate it.

I read in an article that fear of reality / responsibility is Escapism? Is that what I’m doing? I’m creating a world just for me. Where I can do anything, I command things and things always go my way. I don’t want to live there anymore.

Don’t you just wish you could delete people from existence?

BE it you ex-boss, nosy neighbor, 5^th grade math teacher, creepy janitor, bitch secretary, ex-partner and many more?

Ever wished that instead of the UNFRIEND or IGNORE button, you had “KILL” or “BITCH SLAP” button?

Well I did, and I am still waiting for the genius to invent that button. I am very eager to click and abuse it please.

Here are some reasons why we love to kill and slap somebody so hard:

1. They out-bitched you. Spread rumors about you and to top that off, they have everyone on their back believing that pathetic lie they made. Along with the main source of the rumor, I would very much enjoying slapping the believers’ faces and crushing them down to the ground.
   1. A more professional approach would be to ignore them. Rant about them in you private journal and burn the pages and forget each word you wrote. NO EVIDENCE no charges.
2. They simply annoy every cell in your body. Some people are just like that. You can’t change a fact that you this person thought (s)he hadn’t done you wrong. They are simply annoying. Does the thing you do best only better or worse. It’s either they’re so brilliant that they annoy you or they’re so shitty they still annoy you. The problem with these people is that they broadcast It that they’re doing it. No matter how hard you try to ignore every notification, it pops up!
   1. A more professional approach is to ignore them, UNSUBSCRIBE but do not UNFRIEND. You will need information and/or entertainment from time to time. Thus, people that annoy you can bring you laughter and happiness.
3. They lie. The problem with most people is that we ALL lie, it just varies on the gravity of the lie. We lie to avoid confrontation, hurt, and bigger problems. It becomes a problem when two people find out that one is lying (S)he should do the same to be fair. An eye for an eye. Well. This causes more confrontation, more hurt and more trouble. Maybe this would end to something more tragic. Ever heard of a wife murdering his bastard husband for cheating on her with his slutty secretary? Well these things happen.
   1. A more professional approach, tell the truth even if the other person found out you’re lying, it wouldn’t hurt as much. You’re only killing yourself just by lying. Note that we want to kill, not die right?
   2. Another approach is to talk it out, be prepared with a lot of rebuttals. But DON’t EVER EVER bring up an instance that the other person lied. Even if (s)he did, just shut it. It’ll reflect that you did the lying on purpose to get even. Then, after talking through it, just be honest. It’s difficult but you don’t want to live your entire life as the boy who cried wolf, right?
4. They just don’t know when to stop. These people, many of them. Friends chit-chatting while you’re on the phone and hardly hearing the other person on the line. Loud bass music in the middle of the night. Suitors you dumped for the nth time, ex-partners you consistently message you and ask how was your day. We basically want to kill these people because we don’t want to do anything about/with them anymore. Say goodbye, sayonara, adios, hasta lasvista.
   1. A more professional approach is to act civil. Give a yes and a no answer. Leave no opportunity for a conversation. If the person still insists, hide them in you contacts list. There are mobile phones, that allow blocking specific numbers to call and send you text messages. Try to get one.
5. Pervs. Need I say more why we want to kill these people?
   1. A more professional approach is to call the police, or you can lure them into a trap. Simple, try to slap them before the police gets in. that would feel rather rewarding, right?

So many of them, wait, if we kill them, will you see each other in hell then?

I thought I was being the bad person I the relationship not knowing that my actions were just reflecting how I truly feel.

Denying that everything is about to fall out of place. Denying every smile and sweet lies.

Maybe this is what I’ve ben dreading to happen for so long. Keep it to self and try not to let him know. Try not to let anybody know. How is it even possible to have kept these whatever im feeling for so long?

Fuck this shit I ain’t taking anymore of my BS!

I make good stories i tend to believe them

He said, “Dammit you b*tch! You’re a worthless wh*re!” as he slammed the door to bite the wall.

I never thought that this man is ever capable of saying such. At least decades ago. He looked polished, like a man from a decent family, decent school, intelligent, talented, dreamy. He was the man i longed to have – most of the girl wanted to have. He was plain perfect. I never knew then that perfection isn’t real.

I lived in black and white movies. Growing up seeing girls go weak on their knees and throw themselves to this atrocious guy who put a spell to make her fall crazily in love. I grew up listening to songs that woe women to bed, caressing their ears with whispers of promises. I was pretending that love is real, love was real.

Dinner dates, flowers, chocolates, and love songs can help you find the man you’d be wanting to spend the rest of your life with. Dang it! It’s not like that, if only people had told me.

It’s not all walks in the park, holding hands, hugs, coffee talks. It’s hard work. Real hard work and what do you get after doing all the sacrifices? NADA!

First, ladies have to dress pretty. Try as much not to get old, remove excess fat, fix hair, wear nice clothes. Now, what I don’t get is, though girls/women look beautiful, how can their beaus look for another woman? Pardon my French, how can they replace their generally gorgeous girlfriend with a duck face bioche?

Second, you got to earn trust. Not I can’t elaborate on that, that’s the tricky part. All I can say is, you speak the truth, you get in trouble. You don’t say the truth you still get into trouble. I think the problem with trusting people is not trusting yourself and allowing yourself to trust other people. You can’t put your trust into someone if you don’t trust yourself first. Makes sense right?

After you’ve prettified yourself and mastered his trust, the next thing you do is keep him interested.

Hmmm. I think I have to do research on that first.

Love is not all rainbows and butterflies. Learn that. If you didn’t cry then it ain’t love. If it didn’t hurt, then it ain’t loveHe said, “Dammit you b*tch! You’re a worthless wh*re!” as he slammed the door to bite the wall.

I never thought that this man is ever capable of saying such. At least decades ago. He looked polished, like a man from a decent family, decent school, intelligent, talented, dreamy. He was the man i longed to have – most of the girl wanted to have. He was plain perfect. I never knew then that perfection isn’t real.

I lived in black and white movies. Growing up seeing girls go weak on their knees and throw themselves to this atrocious guy who put a spell to make her fall crazily in love. I grew up listening to songs that woe women to bed, caressing their ears with whispers of promises. I was pretending that love is real, love was real.

Dinner dates, flowers, chocolates, and love songs can help you find the man you’d be wanting to spend the rest of your life with. Dang it! It’s not like that, if only people had told me.

It’s not all walks in the park, holding hands, hugs, coffee talks. It’s hard work. Real hard work and what do you get after doing all the sacrifices? NADA!

First, ladies have to dress pretty. Try as much not to get old, remove excess fat, fix hair, wear nice clothes. Now, what I don’t get is, though girls/women look beautiful, how can their beaus look for another woman? Pardon my French, how can they replace their generally gorgeous girlfriend with a duck face bioche?

Second, you got to earn trust. Not I can’t elaborate on that, that’s the tricky part. All I can say is, you speak the truth, you get in trouble. You don’t say the truth you still get into trouble. I think the problem with trusting people is not trusting yourself and allowing yourself to trust other people. You can’t put your trust into someone if you don’t trust yourself first. Makes sense right?

After you’ve prettified yourself and mastered his trust, the next thing you do is keep him interested.

Hmmm. I think I have to do research on that first.

Love is not all rainbows and butterflies. Learn that. If you didn’t cry then it ain’t love. If it didn’t hurt, then it ain’t love