?

Log in

 
25 October 2012 @ 02:47 am
dumadalas na naman ang mga gabing pagkahaba- haba. nakatingin lang sa malayo at nakikipaglaro ng titigan sa kisame. 
sa lamig ng hangin pinagpapawisan pa rin ang mga palad at talampakan. ang tibok ng puso masyadong mabilis, kinakabahan? bakit? anong problema?  

lagi na lang may gumugulo sa damdamin, ang daming iniisip, pinoproblema. kung possible ngang malunod at maubusan ng hangin sa problema malamang, araw araw, milyon milyong tao ang pinaglalamayan. 

hindi naman ako nakikipaglaban sa cancer, hindi ako rapist, magnanakaw o mamamatay taoi, pero bakit ako ginugulo ng isip ko. siguro nasa adventure time mode nanaman ang utak ko. kung tatanugin ako kung ano ang strengths at weakness ko, siguro ang isasagot ko ay yung imagination ko. 

minsan nga naloloko ko na ang sarili ko kugn ano ang tunay at gawa lang ng guni- guni ko. minsan kasi yun na lang ang paraan para hindi ko maisip yung mas mga makapagbagbag damdamin na bagay at sitwasyon. iisipin na lang na parang wala lang. bukas makalawa, o kaya pag gising ko wala na ang problema. sa kakaganito ko minsan hindi ko namamalayang umaga na, kugn natulog ba ako o gising ako pero nakapikit ako. 

nakakatawa na nga lang, minsan naiisip ko nasisiraan na ako ng bait. iniisip ko may mga dadating para kunin ako at ikulong sa isang institusyon. maraming beses ko na rin naisip na hindi nakakabuti sa akin yung kakaisip ng mga ganun, naisip ko rin na dapat sa mga mas makabuluhang bagay ko ginugugol ang oras ko. lagi na lang sa mga walang kaKwenta- kwnetang tao. 
inaamin ko minsan gusto ko ng alternate ego. na pag lumabas ako ng bahay namin, magaling na akong mag english, confident at matalino na lahat ng sabihin ko nakakatawa at may sense. pero hindi naman mangyayari yun. 

gusto ko ng ibang personality, yung tahimik, malumanay, walang mali, kumbaga, dalagang pilipina, pero pag naiisip ko na magiging ganun ako, parang naduduwal ako, hindi ko matanggap. siguro nga hindi tayo maaring maging ibang tao, magkaroon ng second life. pwede pero mahirap, bukod sa mahirap hindi ba parang niloloko mo din yung sarili mo. sabi nga nila, you can't be in both places aT once, pano pa kayo yung dalawa yung pagkatao mo? maliban na lang kung balak mong isulat sa Maalala Mo Kaya yung buhay mo at gawing teleserye. malamang, hitik sa sampalan at betrayal ng plot ng buhay mo kung sakali. 

kaya naman matapos kong madeduce ang conclusion na ganun, minabuti kong sa isip ko na lang ang imagination yung alternate ego ko.pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko parin napeperpekto yung character niya. 

hindi naman siya nalalayo sa tunay na ako, kumbaga, updated and better version lang siya. maganda, sexy at matalino din siya. haha! hindi, sa imagination ko, pareho pa rin kami ng hitsura, may payat lang ng konti, maputi ang ngipin, maayos palagi ang buhok, magaling manamit *shempre, hindi naman siya actually gumagastos ng pera para magpaganda* at higit sa lahat, lahat ng gusto niyang mangyari natutupad. natanggap ko din na hindi all the time, reality is better than make-believe. bakit? sige nga, try mo manabunot sa tunay na buhya, at least dun hindi ako nagagalusan. hindi ako umiiyak at higit sa lahat walang epal at kontrabidang laging umaaligid.lahat pwede kong puntahan, lahat pwede kong maging kaibigan, lahat pwede kong manipulahin sa paraang gusto ko, lahat ng gusto kong marinig, yun lang. walang harsh reality. o diba ang saya.

 masaya, perfect nakakaiyak kasi hindi siya totoo. well, at least kahit papano naranasan ko yun, kahit sa imagination ko lang. 
pero hindi naman laging ganun iniimagine ko, minsan nga yung worst case scenario agad, parA prepared lang ako lung mangyari man  sa tunay na buahy. hindi naman mahirap tanggapin yun once na nasanay ka na sa utak mo. nasa mind set lang yan. prapare for the worst, if i doesn't come edi good at least handa ka di ba? 

hindi man siguro tama na lagi akong nega at kung anu-ano iniisip, eh yun yung coping machanism ko e, mas napapadali sa akin mga bagay bagay pag ganun. ikaw anong coping mechanism mo? 
 
 
vibe: awakeawake
 
 

There’s always a better version of something that we think is original. We always think that we are one unique gift from God that he ever carefully crafted to spread his love and beauty on earth. After looking outside that circle, that bubble, that idea. I think we’re not supposed to do that, or we’re not programmed to do as told, we are not meant to do the spreading the love all the time.

Truth is about a speck of dust in the universe is the amount of fucks people give to a certain topic not unless their lives mattered and depended on it. To site an example, are people not from South Africa or Malaria infested areas give an actual fuck about the children and people dying? Would they dare give donations if it weren’t for publicity? I’m not saying that these people are hypocrites or something, I’m just saying. Campaigns on social networking sites saying hit like or share if you care, why wouldn’t these people travel gazillion miles or go straight to the bank and give money, sympathy and pretension wouldn’t save those innocent children. Hitting the like and share button won’t give them a minute more in their lives. Just so you know. God will not hate you for not sharing that photo, status or whatever. Sorry for saying that G-word over and over.

I was reading this book saying that as young as 5 years-old we’re condemned to hell for peeing in public pools. I think hell’s gonna be one big party when we get there. On another note, do mix ups happen, as in they screw things up and instead in going to heaven you end up in fiery hell? Like you have no idea what you did wrong.

Saying that we’ll all meet in hell, I think I better start fixing my act up before death comes to pick me up. I don’t want to spend eternity, forever and the rest of my rotting life with all the people I hate. That’s torture on top of torture. God forbid Satan places us next to each other, “Here you go, a companion for the rest of eternity. Enjoy each others company.” I’d rather die and throw myself down the boiling bile and burn all over than to fake a conversation with that person who’s so self-absorbed she thinks she’s the best person in the world and God loves her more than anybody else. Or maybe, just now, I can be the best friend that tells her exactly the opposite. I must plan something when I get there. Do it now, better be prepared.

 
 
03 July 2012 @ 06:04 pm

 A penny for a thought

I remember blogging a few years back about kept-women or is it about prostitutes. I can’t remember well but I’m sure it’s either of the two. So I figured I might as well ponder about it all over again.

This might sound a little bit weird and awkward to some but I think these two kinds of women are among the strongest and weakest types. Let me put it this way. I have created an imaginary chart that will tally the pros and cons, the differences and the strongest points of both types.

*note that I have allowed a maximum of 10 for each category. I don’t want to over think this. I might go nuts.

ON THE KEPT-WOMAN:

The Pros:

  1. A fancy address, jewelry, cars, clothes
  2. A slimmer more acceptable body
  3. A little bit of a fighter
  4. Can be more fun and/or more caring
  5. Most times younger than the legal wife
  6. Tends to nag lesser than the legal wife
  7. Understands most of the time why her “husband” doesn’t sleep with her 7 days a week.
  8. Demands less

The Cons:

  1. Maybe a little dumb
  2. She cannot demand to make you stay as she knows the situation
  3. A little too dramatic at times
  4. She has to do all the explaining to the kids (if applicable)
  5. She might be turning the other cheek (most likely)
  6. She has to deal with most of her problems, alone.

ON THE PROSTITUTE

The Cons: I have not included any Pros for this kind of woman; I think the “stone her to death” drama is so over rated. Move on people, I believe even God has forgiven one. We all have our reasons.

The Cons:

  1. VD ( need I say more)
  2. Just sex, no emotions
  3. No promises, just clients
  4. Touch this this this this this this this but not ♥
  5. She has little confidence in herself that she can/will be able to change
  6. She has to deal with the piercing looks of “Christians” and “Celibates”
  7. She has to deal with her conscience
  8. She has to make sure that her family doesn’t have to work that way (if applicable. This shit happens. Mom’s a slut, dad’s a pimp. Kid’s an addict. Sister’s a whore. And the clichés and stories go on.)

These women, I think they’re strong enough to handle themselves, strong enough to swallow every bit of pride one can muster in order to survive. Be it for money or for love. I think they’re strong enough to face the world alone despite the men who have touched, and destroyed their lives, dreams and most likely their whole existence. They stand to fight back what they believe is right or perhaps what they feel is right. We cannot tell people to think, act, speak, and feel the way that we want them to speak. Moreover, we cannot make them change what they have decided for their own. Such strong resistance to whatever comes their way, I think that what’s makes a strong woman. It’s just a matter on how women will use that resistance. I’m not talking about this shit because I am one, nor I had been one. This is just one of the million views on how these women should be treated, not, I take that back. We cannot label them as society has printed on these women. I’m not like that. Though, I do say these things when I get furious over some shitty bitch. Soooo, back to the topic. Sorry for that. I am saying that these women are strong, in their own way. Think, maybe this woman has no way of finding other jobs, she has kids with an abusive father who decides to run away and runs across this man who falls in love with her for some reason but is married to a woman he barely even knows. Maybe this woman, falls in love with all the wrong reasons with the wrong man but we cannot really tell what’s the reason behind their affair. Maybe this man she falls in love with is married to an old hag and feels like he’s being raped every night so he decides to look for someone younger a bit more pleasing a bit more caring. We cannot really judge these people. For a moment there, I thought I have to defend everyone of them, but I guess, we all have reasons not to.

There’s a slight possibility that there is love given to these women, though. I think, no man in his sane mind would fuck up a woman that way. You can screw us but not screw with our emotions to simply put things.

 Simple enough, or maybe a bit, too complex for my puny little brain to absorb the other circumstances that I might have overlooked, I have concluded that these women are weak enough not to know how strong they can be. They haven’t discovered their true potential of what they can give and what they are capable of doing. These women are weak to let men toy with their emotions and ideas. I have concluded that every one of us is capable of being one of them, maybe in a different way, without the labels.

 
 
vibe: bitchybitchy
 
 
30 May 2012 @ 07:29 pm

This journal entry will not rant.

This journal entry will not talk about hate.

This journal entry will not talk about my relationship.

This journal entry will not talk about my health.

This will not mention my thoughts.

This will not reflect my current situation.

This entry will not mention my job.

This will not talk about how I want things to happen.

This will not say that I want attention.

This will not discuss my frustrations and dreams.

This will not cause change nor damage into your system.

This will not affect your life.

This is not the owner of this blog, I am an egoistic- maniac seeking for approval and acceptance.

This is not the same thing you read from this site.

This is a misinterpretation of what you perceive as reality.

This is something different.

This entry will not tell you to be moved by the lack of words that I have written.

This only explains the mediocrity of words I know.

This is finished.

 
 
 

Then it felt like I needed to write something down. I was on my way to work this morning, thinking about what to write. I wanted to focus on a topic that’s not demeaning, insulting, and/or angry. Then it was all blank. It’s really easy to say things when your frustrated, mad, and simply red-faced furious. Words shower like rain on a summer day, reaching limits where you can’t take them back.

I had this convo with my mom last night before we went to bed, she asked me why we didn’t like this woman. (Yes, she is a woman, a mother to be exact. I can’t name her or put labels on her. I just feel like it’s inappropriate.) I said, I didn’t like her because of this, that, and other stuff. I came up with about 5 things I dislike about her. Then she said, “Yun lang, hindi mo ba alam, siya lang ang tumulong sa akin. Siya nga lang ang nakakita sa akin eh.”

So there I was silent, and of course, I answered back, “Yun lang? dahil lang tinulungan ka niya yun na yun?” And because mother’s are so awesome, she said “Yun nga e, a single deed casts out five bad traits. I just can’t see the point of hating her.”

Fine, maybe mom is just too kind. The type na “walang masamang tinapay” or maybe I just grew fond of being angry and hating on other people. Kung ano ang puno yun din ang bunga. Pero pano kung napeste ang bunga? Haha!

After that, I was too tired to think (we had a very hellish trip) about my mom being extra nice to people. But then again, when I remember, how she talks about others shock me. The thing about that is they are (I think) too afraid to say the things that might hurt other people. Point is, it’s somewhat being too cautious that you can’t say what’s going on inside your head. Too afraid that other people may judge you and your opinions.

“If you got nothing nice to say better shut your mouth.” True enough, truth hurts specially when you hear it from other people. (considering the tone of voice and character). Ang hirap lang maging mabait lagi.

 
 
24 April 2012 @ 04:11 pm

My mom told me to write about my life. I told her, you know I blog, you know I write and keep a mushy journal under my pillow (which I don’t often write in that much recently). She said, “I know you do write and keep a blog and a journal. I’ve read it. It’s different from what you usually write. Write about your life, to inspire others.” I was like, cool my mom reads my sloppy blog entries of hate and more hate and regrets, but what is so inspiring about my life that I should write?

How can a 22- year old, 111 lbs girl (yes, I call myself girl as I lack in height, I am only 5’1’’) be inspiring to others. I never got high grades in college, I never joined and actively participate in any orgs back then. I never had citations nor awards. I was never best at anything and to top it all off, I’ve been making bad decisions after bad decisions from as far as I can remember. I have done nothing inspirational in my life.

As I’m writing this, I’m trying to squeeze my brain of any memory that would at the least uplift my self esteem and give my readers something inspiring to read. I always talk about MY life and how I am not contented with it, but in contrary, I actually am.

First, maybe I have to fully asses myself. (which I think I’ve done more than enough) I know what to improve, what to change and what to do. What I don’t know is, HOW to do it. I can’t start.

My mom and I would always argue, I told her that I am never wrong. I can’t be wrong and I won’t lose in an argument. I never accept defeat and she just sat silently as if not listening to me. Okay. I get it, that’s wrong. These things make me the person that I am today, I won’t change one bit. Maybe that’s why I always end up being the villain. I never stop when I want something. STFU your argument is invalid.

You see what I did? I can’t inspire other people by shaping my life in to something it’s not. I just can’t. maybe I can inspire others by them hating the way I think and react on things, inspire them not to think the way I think or act the way I act or not be me. I’ve done a lot of stupid things, things I regret doing and regret not doing. I hope you don’t end up like me. Not knowing what you want in life, you’ll end up having a lot of you don’t. true enough, I am that. I just learned how to live with it and make the most out of it.

 
 
vibe: boredbored
 
 
28 March 2012 @ 01:23 pm

Sometimes I wish I was the victim. Like everybody would be on my side.

for once i want to be the protagonist in the story, where people would give me sympathy and help me kill the evil witch. I wish there's a chance for me to be the damsel in distress, I'm getting tired to be saving myself all the time from situations. I know that I'm strong but sometimes I need to feel thati need to be saved.

I want to feel something else rather than hate, angst and more hate.

People seem to see as an angry person.

I make up stories that help me cope up with the things I can't fully understand and refuse to accept, and most times, I get lost in these make-believe stories. Believing that these ideas were true, not noticing the damage it has done to reality.

People would always make mean something to whatever I say. They think I’m always bad-mouthing someone (well, actually I do it often but not all the time!) and tend to say something against me. Conniving (wow, the way I put it sounds people are plotting against me, see, I’m going paranoid) and talking behind my back.

I felt scared these past few days. Afraid that maybe I’ve become delusional. I’ve constantly wanted to re-invent myself and transform into something better. I want to be somebody else. Someone stronger, someone who’s not afraid to voice out their feelings. For a straight-forward person, I feel that I am very much insecure.

I notice many things around me, and tend to ridicule and criticize them, reflecting me as a person. But not many people know that I’m simply stating the obvious, more of like elaborating the things that people overlook. Or maybe I’m doing it the wrong way.

I wanted to start over, be the person I hate most. Be nice, be humble. But that’s just not me. I am nice in my own unpretentious way, I am humble in most instances or maybe I just handle compliments very well. Haha!

If I’m not your cup of tea, then I won’t mind. It’s your loss not mine (see I just did it again!)

** from my assessment, I’m in desperate need of attention. Medical attention that is. I feel I need medication and counseling, saying this scares the shit out of me, what am I afraid of. Reality perhaps?

Google answered me, fear of reality/responsibility as not a fear of something like actual fear like arachnophobia but the denial of reality, hiding from it, the unwillingness to acknowledge certain aspects pertaining to reality. Maybe, maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.

I hate confrontations, I hate answering too many questions that lead to something bigger like the realization of what I’ve hidden behind fake smiles and make-believe stories. I hate it when people try to figure me out, I’m too difficult I hate it.

I read in an article that fear of reality / responsibility is Escapism? Is that what I’m doing? I’m creating a world just for me. Where I can do anything, I command things and things always go my way. I don’t want to live there anymore.

 
 
26 March 2012 @ 05:54 pm

Don’t you just wish you could delete people from existence?

BE it you ex-boss, nosy neighbor, 5th grade math teacher, creepy janitor, bitch secretary, ex-partner and many more?

Ever wished that instead of the UNFRIEND or IGNORE button, you had “KILL” or “BITCH SLAP” button?

Well I did, and I am still waiting for the genius to invent that button. I am very eager to click and abuse it please.

Here are some reasons why we love to kill and slap somebody so hard:

  1. They out-bitched you. Spread rumors about you and to top that off, they have everyone on their back believing that pathetic lie they made. Along with the main source of the rumor, I would very much enjoying slapping the believers’ faces and crushing them down to the ground.
    1. A more professional approach would be to ignore them. Rant about them in you private journal and burn the pages and forget each word you wrote. NO EVIDENCE no charges.
  2. They simply annoy every cell in your body. Some people are just like that. You can’t change a fact that you this person thought (s)he hadn’t done you wrong. They are simply annoying. Does the thing you do best only better or worse. It’s either they’re so brilliant that they annoy you or they’re so shitty they still annoy you. The problem with these people is that they broadcast It that they’re doing it. No matter how hard you try to ignore every notification, it pops up!
    1. A more professional approach is to ignore them, UNSUBSCRIBE but do not UNFRIEND. You will need information and/or entertainment from time to time. Thus, people that annoy you can bring you laughter and happiness.
  3. They lie. The problem with most people is that we ALL lie, it just varies on the gravity of the lie. We lie to avoid confrontation, hurt, and bigger problems. It becomes a problem when two people find out that one is lying (S)he should do the same to be fair. An eye for an eye. Well. This causes more confrontation, more hurt and more trouble. Maybe this would end to something more tragic. Ever heard of a wife murdering his bastard husband for cheating on her with his slutty secretary? Well these things happen.
    1. A more professional approach, tell the truth even if the other person found out you’re lying, it wouldn’t hurt as much. You’re only killing yourself just by lying. Note that we want to kill, not die right?
    2. Another approach is to talk it out, be prepared with a lot of rebuttals. But DON’t EVER EVER bring up an instance that the other person lied. Even if (s)he did, just shut it. It’ll reflect that you did the lying on purpose to get even. Then, after talking through it, just be honest. It’s difficult but you don’t want to live your entire life as the boy who cried wolf, right?
  4. They just don’t know when to stop. These people, many of them. Friends chit-chatting while you’re on the phone and hardly hearing the other person on the line. Loud bass music in the middle of the night. Suitors you dumped for the nth time, ex-partners you consistently message you and ask how was your day. We basically want to kill these people because we don’t want to do anything about/with them anymore. Say goodbye, sayonara, adios, hasta lasvista.
    1. A more professional approach is to act civil. Give a yes and a no answer. Leave no opportunity for a conversation. If the person still insists, hide them in you contacts list. There are mobile phones, that allow blocking specific numbers to call and send you text messages. Try to get one.
  5. Pervs. Need I say more why we want to kill these people?
    1. A more professional approach is to call the police, or you can lure them into a trap. Simple, try to slap them before the police gets in. that would feel rather rewarding, right?

So many of them, wait, if we kill them, will you see each other in hell then?

 
 
vibe: annoyedannoyed
 
 
19 March 2012 @ 12:43 pm

I thought I was being the bad person I the relationship not knowing that my actions were just reflecting how I truly feel.

Denying that everything is about to fall out of place. Denying every smile and sweet lies.

Maybe this is what I’ve ben dreading to happen for so long. Keep it to self and try not to let him know. Try not to let anybody know. How is it even possible to have kept these whatever im feeling for so long?

Fuck this shit I ain’t taking anymore of my BS!

I make good stories i tend to believe them